December Fireflies

Matthew 16:21-28
After this Jesus began to explain to his disciples that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem and to suffer greatly before the elders and high priests and scribes and to die and on the third day to rise.

Taking him aside, Peter began to censure him saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This will not happen to you!”

But turning around he said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan; you are a stumbling block to me because you are not thinking about the things of God but the things of humans.”

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone wants to follow after me, that person must deny their very self and pick up their cross and follow me. Because whoever wants to save their life must lose it, but whoever would lose their life on my behalf will discover it. For what good is it for a person to gain the whole world if their soul suffers damage? Or what can a person give in exchange for their soul?

“For the Son of Humanity is destined to come in the glory of his father with his angels and then he will reward each one according to their deeds. Truly I say to you that some of those here will not experience death before seeing the Son of Humanity coming in his kingdom.”

It was the end of the summer in Mattaponi Courthouse, a small tidewater town that may not exist but that is very real to me. The days were growing shorter and there was just a hint of the sharp, crisp air of the autumn to come. The crape myrtles were starting to fade and drop their pink and purple petals. Schoolteachers were heading back to prepare their classrooms for a new crop of students. And Vera Allen was heading to college.

She wasn’t too sure about doing this. She had lived in Mattaponi her whole life and the prospect of heading across the state to attend a large, state school was intimidating. But on the other hand, she had lived in Mattaponi her whole life and she felt like, just maybe, it might be time for her to see how the world looked from another place…especially a place that didn’t roll up the sidewalks at 8 PM.

Move-in day was only three days off and she was ruminating about all the packing she had left to do while she sat on the back porch of her house with her 8-year-old cousin Trudy. Trudy’s mother was out shopping with Vera’s mother and they had left the two together at the house. For Trudy this was just great because she thought Vera was just about the coolest teenager in Mattaponi. Whenever Vera started wearing some new fashion, Trudy wasn’t far behind. It was Vera who had introduced her to Live Strong bracelets, butterfly hairclips and multi-colored flip-flops. Even though Vera had outgrown all these phases, Trudy had clung to them as statements that she wanted to be just like her older cousin.

Trudy was sitting next to Vera on the porch watching her ruminate as the sun started to set. She wasn’t sure what to say so she just said the first thing on her mind. “Vera, do lightning bugs need batteries?”

Vera looked down at her redheaded, gap-toothed cousin with the totally serious look on her face and smiled. “No, Trudy. They don’t need batteries.”

“Then how do they light up?”

“Well, it’s just…I mean they…there’s some sort of chemical thing I think…photosynthesis? No, that’s not right. Uh…maybe they do have batteries, Trudy. Do you want to catch some?” The back yard was twinkling with little lights.

“O boy. Yes!”

Vera went in the kitchen and returned with an old mayonnaise jar with a lid that she had punched holes into with a can opener. For about ten minutes they chased lights around the yard and captured quite a few lightning bugs. Trudy was fascinated with the collection and kept trying to look for how the lights worked. “I don’t see where you can put in the batteries,” she said to Vera playfully.

It was right about this time that Vera noticed a person standing in the driveway of the house next door staring up into the sky. It was Rex. Rex was her super serious neighbor. He was in the same class in school as Vera and was also a member in the same church, Mattaponi United Methodist. Vera thought they got along pretty well but she was aware that they were very different and she always looked for ways to break Rex out of his very serious shell.

With Rex staring up into the sky in the dark he was an easy target. Vera motioned to Trudy to be quiet and she tiptoed up behind Rex until she was right by his left ear. Then she said, in a very conversational voice, “So, what you looking at Rex?”

Rex jumped and let out a very undignified shriek. His face was flushed and he was glad Vera couldn’t see it in the dark. “Gosh, Vera, you freak. Why did you do that?”

Vera was laughing so hard she couldn’t answer. Partly because of Rex’s reaction, but mostly because Trudy had dropped her jar and was laughing harder than she had ever seen her laugh before. Finally she said, “I’m sorry, Rex. I couldn’t resist. You were just, like, staring into space and well, you know, that’s a great temptation for me.”

“I was looking for Mars, Vera. Don’t you know it’s supposed to be closer to earth this weekend than it has been in hundreds of years?”

“No, Rex, that was last year.”

“But the e-mail said…”

“Yeah, I know, I got that one, too, but it was old. I read it in the paper.”

“No wonder I was having a hard time finding it. So are you ready for college?”

“No. I haven’t even started packing. Mom’s been on me but I just can’t seem to get it together. I think I’ve got like this subconscious thing about leaving. Separation anxiety. I don’t know.”

“Yeah, well, I can see that. Justin’s going to Christopher Newport, isn’t he?” Justin was Vera’s boyfriend and he was going to a different college.

“You know, Rex, I just can’t talk about that.”

“That’s cool.”

“So what are you going to do?”

Rex hesitated before he answered. “You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“Try me.”

He took a deep breath. “I’m going to Suriname.”

“Is that a college?”

“No, it’s a country.”

“You’re making that up.”

“No, I’m not. It’s a little place on the coast of South America. Jungles, anacondas…that kind of stuff.”

“And you’re going…why?

“Because it will be hard.”

“You’re going because it will be hard?”

“Yeah. I just…well, I just feel like I need the challenge. I have been so confused about what to do. I mean, I really feel like I’m supposed to be doing something important…something big. Going to college just didn’t hold any attraction for me. I need something to make me feel like I’m doing something for the world. Doing something for…Jesus.”

This wasn’t a surprising thing for Vera to hear. Rex had always been attracted to the church and she had always suspected he might end up as a minister or missionary or youth director or something. But going to Suriname was something new.

“So why Suriname?”

“There’s a young adult mission group going for three months to do some church-building. They send people all over the world, but I chose Suriname because it was the worst place they go.”

“The worst place? What’s up with that?”

“Well, I just kept thinking about what Jesus said: If anyone wants to follow after me that one must deny their very self and pick up their cross and follow me.”

“So this is your cross?”

“I don’t know. I think so. I mean, I hope so. I don’t know, Vera.”

“Rex, I always thought when Jesus said that it was a metaphor. Do you really think taking up your cross means seeking out suffering…looking for the worst place you can go?”

Rex didn’t answer right away. Vera couldn’t really read his face in the dark but he took another deep breath, which told her that he was really struggling. Finally he said, “Vera, you know Harold.”

“Your brother?”

“Yeah, my brother. You know he’s in Iraq. And from what he says it’s a hard place to be right now. He’s facing death every day. It must mean something to face that with a purpose. I want to live for something, too, and it seems like, well, you know…it’s kind of cheesy but ‘no pain, no gain.’”

Trudy came running up between them with her jar, now populated by about twenty little lightning bugs. “Can I keep them, Vera?”

“No, Trudy, I don’t think they’ll survive very long in there.”

Reluctantly Trudy unscrewed the metal lid from the jar and shook the bugs until they flew off into the night sky, glowing faintly as they disappeared. “Vera,” Trudy said. “Why aren’t there lightning bugs in the winter time?”

“I don’t know,” Vera said. “Would you like there to be lightning bugs in the winter?”

“Yeah, because there’s a lot more dark then. We could really use them.”

“You know you’re pretty smart, Trudy.” Vera looked up at Rex. “Well, I hope this is the right thing, Rex. I’m not sure Jesus wants us to go suffer just because we can.”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure we should avoid suffering just because we can.” He turned to go back in his house. “Take care, Vera.”

“You too, Rex.”

A few days later the summer was over. Trudy went back to elementary school. Vera loaded up her stuff in her folks’ van and traveled west to college. And a week later Rex went to an orientation school for his mission to Suriname. It wasn’t easy for any of them except Trudy, who loved school. It was also a challenge for the parents who felt their world changing beneath their feet as children they had held close and cared for for so long were suddenly many miles away.

Early in September Vera’s mother went into the hospital for what they initially thought was a heart attack. They finally ruled that out but the doctors could never fully explain what was going on with her.

Vera thought it was pretty appropriate that something was affecting her mother’s heart. She certainly felt a strain in that region. She adapted pretty well to the classes and started to develop some new friends, but by October it was clear that her relationship with Justin wasn’t going anywhere and she didn’t know what came next.

Then news came that Rex’s brother Harold had been injured by a roadside bomb in Iraq. He survived but he lost a leg and was going to require a long rehabilitation. After spending two months at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C. he finally came home to Mattaponi in mid-December just as Rex was returning from South America and Vera was finishing up her semester.

Back at home, Vera was curious how Rex was doing but they didn’t really get a chance to talk until after Christmas. Trudy was over again, riding around Vera’s yard on her new bike. It was a frosty late afternoon. Vera could see her breath in the cold air, but the golden sunlight was enough to keep her outside. Rex saw her out with Trudy and came over to talk.

They talked about school and exams and then Vera asked Rex about his experiences in South America. Rex smiled. “Well, the banana rats were probably the worst.”

“Banana rats?”

“Yeah, they’re like rats on steroids. One of them was so big I thought about teaching it to fetch.”

“That’s just gross, Rex.”

“Yeah, it was bad, but not nearly as bad as I had hoped.”

“Rex, you are so weird.”

“I guess I am. But you’ll be happy to know you were right, Vera.”

“Right about what?”

“I had to get over myself.”

“Did I tell you to get over yourself?”

“No, but you did tell me not to go looking for suffering and somewhere along the line I realized that what I was doing was really all about me and not about the people I was supposed to be serving and certainly not about Jesus. Jesus doesn’t want us to suffer; Jesus wants us to love.”

“So you don’t think what you were doing was good?”

“No, it was very good. It was good ministry and I think I helped but I was there for the wrong reasons. And the problem was I took all my burdens along with me. It’s like that old saying, you know, ‘wherever you go, there you are.’ There I was in South America, just as confused as ever.”

“So what about the cross, Rex? Is it a metaphor? Have you found yours yet?”

Rex was about to answer when Trudy’s bike tipped sideways and spilled her off into the driveway. Vera and Rex went running to help her, but she escaped without major injuries. She was wearing so many clothes that the padding cushioned her fall. Vera saw that even as they helped her up she was smiling, enjoying the attention. “Trudy, it’s getting a little dark. Don’t you think it’s about time to put the bike up?”

“Ten more minutes, Vera.”

“O.K.”

Rex smiled. “She really likes you.”

Vera watched Trudy pedal off. “Yeah, the feeling’s pretty mutual. But you haven’t answered my question, Rex. The cross?”

“Right, the cross. It’s real but the main thing the cross is about is not suffering. I mean it is that, but the main thing it’s about is love. God loving us so much that God is willing to suffer with us and for us. So when Jesus asks us to take up the cross he’s not asking us to go out and get beat up just so we can show off the bruises.

“I think what Jesus wanted me to do was to love. I think that’s what Jesus wants us all to do – to love other people, to love the world, to love God so intensely that we can’t imagine living any other way. Most of the time we walk around like we’re under anesthesia anyway. If we really loved we’d really see that there’s something more to the world. But if we really live that intensely and love that fully, it’s going to involve suffering. We’re going to hurt when the people we love hurt. We’re going to hurt when the world doesn’t understand why following Jesus makes us look different. We’re going to look a little unnatural when we love like this.”

Vera found that she was nodding her head as Rex spoke. She was remembering how she felt when she heard that her mother was in the hospital. She was wondering how, if Jesus calls us to a life that looks different, how her life looked any different from anybody else’s.

Rex went on, “So, I’m back here and I realize that I’ve got a brother who’s looking at a totally changed life because of what he went through in Iraq.”

Vera interrupted, “Does he talk about it much?”

“No, he doesn’t. He has good days and bad days, but he can’t figure out yet what his injury means or how he makes sense of it all. I think he’s going to teach me how to love him and maybe we can both learn how to love Jesus. I think I’m going to try to get into college, but not until after I spend a few months here helping Harold and my folks get adjusted.”

Vera looked at Rex’s eyes, which were getting hard to see in the gathering dusk. “So, it’s not about learning to love suffering?”

“No, it’s about learning what you love enough to suffer for.”

Trudy came riding up to the two of them and skidded to a stop. “Look, Vera. Lightning bugs.”

Vera looked at her. “Trudy, there can’t be lightning bugs in December. It’s just not…” But then she saw them. Little lights like strands on a Christmas tree sparkling in the winter night. Vera and Rex stared. Vera tried to speak, “How…how…”

Trudy answered. “I’ve been praying for them. We needed more lights in the dark.” And with that she rode off.


John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, once said that he understood why people would object to the Christian life if we present it as a life of misery. If it’s only about what we give up and what we must suffer, then why would anyone choose it? It’s true, he said, that taking up our cross and following Jesus does lead to suffering, but only because it calls us to love. “Love itself,” Wesley said, “will on several occasions be the source of suffering.”

As when we watch those we love suffer through pains we can’t relieve…as when we are challenged when our Christian calling conflicts with the priorities of the world around us…as when we realize that if we find our lives in Christ we will be transformed…love may be the source of suffering.

But it’s not misery we are called to. Underlying it all is a confidence that this way of love ultimately leads not to suffering but to life. And that life is assured by the cross, which is our trademark in the world.

There is too much darkness in the world. It needs to know this love that is a light in the darkness. We need a few more December fireflies—magical signs of God’s amazing grace and continuing presence and eternal love. Thanks be to God.