On Not Getting Better

Perkins Course of Study School

Psalm 51:1-16 (NRSV)
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love;
According to your abundant mercy, blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you alone, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgment.
Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.
You desire truth in the inward being;
therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

Hoy tengo una confesión. Cuando no estoy aquí en Dallas, soy un pastor de la Conferencia de Virginia. Pero por causa de mi papel aquí en el Curso de Estudio, siempre pienso en las formas de teología. Mi confesión es esta: Aunque lucho intensamente contra el hecho, yo soy un teólogo. ¿Por que le digo esto? Porque, primeramente, creo que ustedes son teólogos también, (lo siento), y, en segundo lugar, ustedes deben saber que teólogos piensen en una manera extraña.

Por ejemplo, este fin de semana, yo estaba yendo de excursión en un refugio de animales salvajes en Oklahoma – caminando. Entiendo que no era un buen día para ir de excursión con el calor de cien grados y con un petate pesado y con las piernas en mal estado. Pero me estoy preparando para un gran viaje con mi hijo y necesitaba practicar antes.

Bueno – estaba caminando en el sendero allí y vine a la vuelta de una curva y allí, en medio del sendero, mirando me con los ojos siniestros, estaba una vaca con grandes cuernos – un longhorn. Pues, mira que es la diferencia entre un teólogo y una persona de buen sentido: Otras personas, en esta situación, piensen a sus mismos, “Aquí estoy con una vaca cuatro o cinco veces mas grandes que yo y necesito hacer una salida, rápido!” Pero yo pienso en una manera extraña porque no soy una persona normal. Recuerde mi confesión – soy teólogo. Entonces mi primer pensamiento no era “Corre!” pero era, “¿Bevo? ¿Puedo te llama ‘Bevo’? ¿Bevo, que es la diferencia entre tu y yo?” Era un momento muy filosófico.

Porque, resultando de mi clase aquí sobre Martin Lutero y la etapa de la Reforma, pienso otra vez sobre: Que significa ser humano? y Cuales son las cualidades que separan humanos de todas los otros animales de la creación? Y la respuesta, yo creo, es esta: Humanos tienen la capacidad para que se hagan ilusiones acerca de sus mismos. Un longhorn no se hace ilusiones acerca de su mismo. Ella sabe que su papel es comer hierba y vagar por la tierra y cargar contra teólogos que vienen demasiada cerca de ella. Las vacas son criaturas de Dios y ellas hacen lo que Dios a ha creado hacer. Somos nosotros – los humanos – que se hacen ilusiones y empezamos a creer que somos algo más que criaturas. Las vacas no abandonan sus campos para formar grupos de punk rock en sus garajes. Solamente los humanos pueden hacer esto. Entonces la necesidad de conocer quien somos. Y la cosa que Lutero, y Wesley y todos los santos de épocas pasadas es que nosotros no conocemos quien somos.

“I just feel so bad, Rev. Filbert. I just don’t know what to do with it. I have never felt this way before and I know that it’s all my fault!”

Zechariah Stonecaster, known as Zack to all his friends, was sitting in the only coffee shop in the small town of Mattaponi with Eleazar Filbert, his pastor. Rev. Filbert has found that the coffee shop is a good place to meet folks, especially since it is part of Rocky Colliflower’s new grocery store that he designed especially for depressed people. Rocky got very tired of going to shop for food in grocery stores that were brightly lit and full of white tile and relentlessly cheerful. He thought some folks might appreciate a place that accepted them where they were and toned down the cheerfulness just a tad. He called it the Melon-choly Market and despite its earth tone décor and recessed lighting folks took a liking to it, or at least to the coffee shop which is the closest thing Mattaponi will ever see to a Starbucks.

Zack was talking with Rev. Filbert because he was going through a really rough time. It was mid-January and he was headed back to college after the long winter break. He should have been excited. After all, Mattaponi was not that thrilling a place and making it through a month of break there had not been easy. He got along pretty well with his mother, but they each needed some space after all the togetherness. And at college he was going to see his girlfriend, Sandy, who was going to be back from the holidays, too, and waiting for him. So he had a lot of reasons to look forward to going back. But he wasn’t. Too much had happened and he needed to talk.

“So,” Rev. Filbert asked him, “why exactly do you feel so bad?”

“Because it’s my fault. I led her on. I told her I wasn’t seeing anyone. I got more serious and more out-of-my-head every night. I told her I wanted to see her more. I didn’t stop her when she started talking like we could be a…a thing. It got way too real way too quick.”

“Wo…Zack, who is her?”

“Tara. Tara Tucker.”

“So this is somebody different from…, who’s your girlfriend?”

“Sandy. Yes. I’ve known Tara since middle school. So we hung out together some over the break and when she asked me if I was seeing somebody I didn’t think it would hurt if I said ‘no.’ And it just kind of grew from there. I didn’t intend for it to be a real relationship. I was going back to school, back to Sandy, and this was all going to be…over.”

“But she didn’t think that way.”

“No,” Zack said. “I used Tara. I mean, I was charming and romantic and kind and in some screwed up way I meant all those things that I said to her, but it was all fantasy. I messed up big time.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’ve already done it. I sat down with Tara two nights ago and told her the truth.”

“And how did she respond?”

“Ah…not too well. She was angry. Way angry. She cursed me. Threw sofa pillows at me. Called me a…a…well, you get the idea. It wasn’t pretty. In a way it was a relief to have her do that. I deserved it. But man, I know I hurt her bad. And my name is pretty much mud with her. But I had to be honest. Finally. I couldn’t let it go on.”

Eleazar looked over at the anguished young man across the table from him. “So you decided to come to confession?”

La perspicacia de Martin Lutero era que pecado es tan extenso en nuestras vidas que no podemos vernos a nuestros mismos correctamente. Esto es algo que personas modernas no quieren oír. Vivimos en la época de la Aclaración – the Enlightenment – y conocemos muchas cosas. Mucho más que en el pasado. Y ‘pecado’ es una palabra que no nos gusta. Porque significa que tenemos que sentirnos mal. Y nadie se quiere sentir mal.

Pero lo que es importante sobre pecado no es un sentimiento de sufrimiento o desgracia o tristeza. Dios no tiene necesidad de nuestros sentimientos malos. Pero Dios quiere que conozcamos quien somos frente a su amor. Juan Wesley, una vez dijo que, “El pobre pecador que no esta despierto, cualquier conocimiento tendría sobre otras cosas, no tiene conocimiento de si mismo. Entonces, el no sabe nada que hasta ahora debe saber. No sabe que es un espíritu caído, cuyo solo trabajo en el mundo presente es recuperarse de su caída, recobrar la imagen de Dios en que el fue creado.” Para saber el camino hacia la perfección, tenemos que saber que estamos heridos y necesitamos curación.

En nuestro pasaje bíblico esta día, tenemos un salmo que es asociado con un gran confrontación entre David y el pecado que impregno su ser. Después de su adulterio con Betsabé y el asesinato del esposo de Betsabé, no había una manera que David pudiera ver lo suyo como limpio. Pecado reinó en su alma y en su cuerpo. ¿Y que pudo ofrecer a su Dios? Solo una vida rota. Solo su ser…parte de sus victorias y sus coronas y sus riquezas.

El habló a Dios y dijo, “¡Lávame más y más de mi maldad y límpiame de mi pecado!, porque yo reconozco mis rebeliones, y mi pecado está siempre delante de mí.” Luego habla extensamente de su pecado. Antes de su nacimiento el problema de su pecado ya es. ¿Y que quiere Dios? “Tu deseas verdad en lo intimo, y en lo secreto me has hecho comprender sabiduría.” ¿Donde esta la problema de nuestro pecado? No es en los hechos de las manos, pero en lo íntimo, en lo secreto, en las profundidades de mí ser.

“Confession? Yes, I guess that is what I came for, isn’t it, Rev. Filbert?” Zack was managing to look up from his latte just a bit.

Eleazar responded. “You know, come to think of it, it’s so dark in here it could make a pretty nice confessional booth. Maybe I ought to set up in here. So why are you here, Zack?”

“Well, I’ve done bad things before, but I’ve never surprised myself this much. I can’t believe what I did…that I was capable of doing what I did…the lies I told her…the lies I told myself…the deception. It kind of makes me wonder who I am. What kind of person does the things I’ve done? What do I do to get over it?”

“Hmmm, what makes you think you should get over it?”

“What makes me think…well, isn’t that what is supposed to happen in confession? You go into the booth, you say, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, it’s been 13 years since my last confession, here’s what I did,’ the priest gives you a few ‘Hail Mary’s to say and you’re free and clear. Sounds like a pretty good system to me right now. Otherwise I don’t know what to do with all this junk I’m feeling.”

“Do you even know what a ‘Hail Mary’ is Zack?”

“No. But you could teach me. I’ll take anything. A bed of nails. A pilgrimage on my knees. A vale of tears. A self-flagellation device. There ought to be something out there for me.”

Eleazar looked at him very closely over the steam rising from his mug. He set the mug down deliberately and continued staring at Zack. Zack began to feel a little nervous. He wondered if he had said something offensive of heretical. But when Eleazar spoke it was not what he expected at all.

“Zechariah Stonecaster, you go down this guilt trip all you want to. Sure…go ahead and feel bad if you want to, but don’t think sin is something you just ‘get over.’ Don’t think you can control the switches to flip on the light again. Don’t think God needs your sentimental gestures, because God doesn’t.”

Zack almost dropped his coffee cup. “O.K…I’m feeling better now,” he said, attempting some mock sarcasm, but Eleazar wasn’t finished.

“You feel bad—great. So does Tara. Does it make it any better if you both feel bad? If you feel bad, too, does it make for some sort of justice? And can you really be equal in tears if you still have the power to choose them, if you still have the power to make some sort of penitential offering and end it?

“No, Zack, in the end feeling bad is just another power trip designed to keep you in control. It’s just one more role. Instead of being the deceptive lover you get to try out being the repentant sinner all decked out in the uniform of anguish. But you’re no less self-absorbed when you do that.”

Zack was frozen in place, wondering if Rev. Filbert had learned his pastoral care skills at Perkins. He finally found his voice. “I thought maybe you’d tell me it wasn’t so bad. I thought maybe you’d want me to feel bad. I thought confession was the right thing to do, but now you’re laying it on awfully thick. Is that what I’m supposed to believe about myself? That I’m a bad person?”

Eleazar looked back at Zack with a look that was compassionate and weary all at the same time. “No, Zack, you’re not a bad person. God didn’t make junk and you are certainly not junk. You’ve got incredible gifts and confession is the right thing to do, but it means more than getting over sin or feeling bad for a time to pay for what you’ve done.”


El relato que estoy contando en ingles ahora mismo es una lección sobre confesión. Yo he tenido tiempos en mi vida cuando tuve que hacer frente a mis debilidades, mis heridas, mis pecados. A veces pastores pueden creer que, por causa de su profesión, no tienen que preocuparse con los lugares en sus vidas donde Dios ya necesita trabajar. Pero yo he descubrido que es precisamente en estos lugares que empieza comprender quien yo soy.

Confesión nos pone en un lugar donde podemos ver quien somos en los ojos de Dios. Y como dijo Luter, somos, al mismo tiempo, pecadores y justificados. Por causa de Jesucristo, el pecado no puede tener la victoria última. Por causa de la misericordia y gracia de Dios, crecemos más y más en la vida de gracia y nuestros hechos conforman más y más a Jesús cuando caminamos en el camino de un discípulo. Pero, si queremos tener un conocimiento de quien somos con todas nuestras posibilidades y todas nuestras debilidades, necesitamos entender que somos pecadores—pecadores liberados, pero todavía pecadores.

Esta es la razón que los miembros de Alcohólicos Anónimos empiezan cada junta con esta introducción: “Bueno, yo soy Alejandro y soy un alcohólico.” Es la identidad que les ayuda verse a si mismos en realidad.

En la misma manera, tenemos confesión como la parte de nuestros cultos que introduce quien somos. El propósito de confesión no es sentir mal. No es un ejercicio en degradación o un recuerdo que somos gusanos. Confesión es una puerta abierta, una invitación a Dios entrar en nuestras vidas y encontrarnos donde estamos. Entonces, yo quiero decir siempre, “Yo soy Alejandro, y soy un pecador.”

También siempre quiero tener personas en mi vida que pueden decirme la verdad para que yo pueda saberlo en lo intimo y en lo secreto de mi ser. Quiero amigos que pueden decirme no solo que yo soy una persona buena, pero también cuando estoy en un apuro. Personas que pueden decir, “Alejandro, eres un pecador, pero te amo – no por lo que ha hecho, pero por quien tú eres.” Y pues necesito oír las palabras de la Biblia, “Cuando éramos aun pecadores, Cristo murió por nuestros pecados. En el nombre de Jesucristo, tu eres perdonado.”


Eleazar remembered a time when he didn’t think much of confession. He used to believe that God really got a laugh out of our insistence on it. What a waste of time! To oppress ourselves with the antiquated notion of sin instead of living out of grace and the victory that God has already won. He thought at the time that we were just deluded creatures failing to embrace our created goodness. But he knew his heart was more than that. He knew the world was more than that. He knew now that to grow into the person he had to be he had to name the sin that remained.

He looked at Zack who still looked a little stunned. “You know, Zack, there’s something really powerful about claiming all of yourself. When I start saying…It’s all good, or I’m all good…it’s too easy to play games. I start to believe that I can get everything right. I start to believe that can make everything work by the strength of my character alone. I’m a good person. People tell me that every day. But it can feed the delusion. What I really want is a voice that tells me, ‘Eleazar, you are a sinner, but I love you—not for what you’ve done, but for who you are.’ And I hear that voice when we say the confession in church and the echo comes back, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’ I hear that voice when a good friend is brave enough to confront me with a mirror.

“I need to be acknowledged for who I am and accepted anyway. And what can do that except God’s grace? I don’t want to ‘get over’ or ‘get past’ my weaknesses because if I forget them I lose sight of that grace and I start to trust in my own abilities…my own goodness.”

“So what do I do, Rev. Filbert? If you’re not going to give me some ‘Hail Mary’s, what do I do?”

“Zack, somehow you knew that confession really was good for the soul. You have started speaking truthfully. You have learned something very important about yourself—that you’re capable of deceiving yourself. It took me years to learn that. But the truth you’re looking for goes way deeper than this.

“There is this Psalm – number 51 – that is supposed to be the psalm David said after he slept with Bathsheba, another man’s wife, and then had that man killed. Horrible stuff. But at one point he says to God, ‘You desire truth in the inward being.’ You had an encounter with that inward place. The trick is staying there. And the only way to stay there is confession. Confess who you are every day. Find friends who will tell you the truth. Because the only sure things we can say about ourselves are that we are sinners and that we are loved anyway. I think that’s good news.”

Zack stared down into his now-cool latte and then looked back up at Eleazar. “Thanks for not telling me it was nothing.”

“It wasn’t. It isn’t. But you can’t let it freeze you in your tracks. You’ve got too much yet to do. And God is waiting for you to join in the work. Thanks for trusting me with your confession.”

They went on to talk about football, war, and the humiliating debacle of the latest episode of Fear Factor. They talked about everything and nothing. But both of them knew when they left the Melon-choly Market that day that they had held something holy about each other. And God was holding them…as God holds us…knowing who we are and loving us, not for what we have done, but exactly because of who we are—children of God, creatures of God. Thanks be to God.

Dios esta aquí con nosotros. Dios conoce todas nuestras vidas. Y Dios nos ama, conociendo quien somos, conociendo lo que hemos hecho, pero amándonos, precisamente por causa de quien somos...hijos e hijas de Dios. A Dios, damos gracias. Amen.